Where Have All The Manly Quarterbacks Gone?
By Staff
Where have all the manly quarterbacks gone? Even the manliest men from recent history have taken the plunge. You have Brett Favre crying during a news conference, and then during the commercials there’s Dan Marino trying to sell you a diet plan. It’s a sad state of affairs my friends. Here’s a look at those manly man who make up a dying breed:
Aaron Rodgers: Rather than bitching and moaning about the Brett Favre circus, Rodgers did exactly what he should have done: taken it like a man. Rodgers was reserved about it, and with the #4 out of the way, Rodgers is ready to show the NFL that real men don’t cry at their fake retirements. Combine that with his very grizzly, very manly new beard and we might have an heir apparent on multiple levels in Green Bay.
Kyle Orton: Owner of one of the best neckbeards I have ever seen, little more has to be said about why the Bears (possible) starting quarterback is a man. Just Google him. The first image that comes up is this: Kyle Orton. If that’s not enough go over to an unlikely source, the Feminine Fan, who has a page all about how much more fun Kyle Orton is having than you.
Vince Young: While I personally don’t think scrambling is manly, VY does it in a way that any man’s man can respect. Barreling down the field like a linebacker, Young asks you to tackle him. When you do, he’ll simply run through you. Now that’s a man. VY himself might be too manly though. As recent pictures show, Young loves bro-ing out. Maybe too much.
Ben Roethlisberger: Horrific motorcycle accident, thick, grizzly beard, beer gut, and a real way with the ladies. Ben Roethlisberger really is the manliest quarterback in the game today. Now, if he could toughen up and start taking sacks again the sky would be the limit for the Steel City quarterback.
And here, unfortunately, are those passers giving a bad name to quarterbacks everywhere:
Jeff Garcia: The guy is good. Everywhere he goes he just wins. He has a career quarterback rating of 87.2 for christ sakes! But there’s just something holding him back. Whether it’s the total lack of facial hair, the goofy smile, or the fact that he spent some time playing in Canada, I just don’t know. But it really doesn’t help your manly rating, when everyone assumes you are gay. Even you’re teammates.
Tom Brady: Is this guy a model or a quarterback? The team goes 18-1 and I see him more in advertisements looking wistful than I do on the cover of sports mags. Also, what’s the deal with those ads where he wears a thick jacket with no shirt on underneath is? That’s not even just unmanly, it’s impractical!
Brady Quinn: There seems to be something with these Bradys. You know you’re not a manly man when your preseason highlight is not how well you played, but the media coverage you received over getting a haircut. Also, the dimples? Who are you Mario Lopez?
Eli Manning: Eli, Eli, Eli. What am I supposed to do with you? First, I defend you when people try to write you off as a bust. Now, when I should be reveling in how you proved all the haters wrong, you go and do something like this: Eli, In Vogue. And the karaoke? Real men don’t sing karaoke, Eli. Real men don’t even sing.