It’s the Giants offseason. So, satire warning.
Team U-S-A!!! Ghana be a great World Cup for ‘Murica!!! pic.twitter.com/C8axFwJYc9
The Giants football news is in fútbol mode as the World Cup rages on. Yesterday, not only did a story about Odell Beckham Jr’s initial love affair with soccer come out: USMNT invited Odell Beckham Jr to try out as a teenager. But also, Team USA beat Ghana in dramatic fashion, which lead to great journalism found in articles like: 2014 World Cup: John Brooks’ header lifts Team USA over Ghana. Which featured this bit about dreams…
“Two nights ago,” Brooks said. “I told my teammates about it. In the dream, I scored in the 80th minute and we won the game. I scored on a header from a corner kick.”
The dream was wrong. Brooks scored on a corner kick to beat Ghana, 2-1, but it happened in the 86th minute, which goes to show how inaccurate the clock can be in a vision.
As an American, it’s easy to feel swelling of pride at the feat of the United States ultimate collection of athletic “feet” on a team: Team USA. What a victory. In keeping the New York Football Giants as the focus, I’d like to point out that the Ghana players, especially with their blond hair, made it easy to envision Odell Beckham Jr. out there running all over their field creating excitement with his amazing athleticism.
Which got us at GMEN HQ thinking. What if the New York Football Giants… Yes, your team, the Jints. What if the Giants had a mission to use the current roster to compile a top of the line soccer team capable of strapping on the ol’ shin guards and making GIANT fútbol players out of your Giant football players. Now, this is fiction, so to keep it simple, we will keep it to five.
So, with or without further any fútbol ado. Here are your Top Five soccer GIANTS:
1: Odell Beckham Jr – World Cup Star?
When speaking of soccer, OBJ said in this article, World Cup 2014: Could Giants WR Odell Beckham have been a US National Team member?
“All the time, all the time,” he said. “Soccer was my first love so whenever I think back on those moments, I think of what could have been. If it wasn’t in God’s plans, it wasn’t in God’s plans.”
Odell mentioned that after being asked if he thinks about “what-if’s”. For today’s purposes, there are none. Odell Beckham Jr. made the team. In fact, he’s a number one starter. His blazing speed and inhuman stamina make a perfect fit for the New York Fútbol Giants. Their war chant:
“Olé, Olé, Olé, OBJ“
2: Victor Cruz
Not only is Victor Cruz from a Catholic High School in the East Coast, he was actually an all-star soccer player for the purposes of this satirical paragraph. You see good Jints fans, legend has it that Victor Cruz is made from 100% salsa and soccer balls. Making him the obvious second choice for this BLUE balls teams.
If I knew anything about soccer other than USA beating GHANA last night, I would tell you how that would benefit Victor Cruz, but I don’t. I can’t tell a yellow card from a green card… But in this delusion, Victor Cruz is a perfect fit. It’s a little known fact, but Victor Cruz is a deadly accurate scorer when it comes to scoring goals. According to this fact I’m making up right now, he scored well over a millionty goals, effectively making the commentator mute from screaming, ” GOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!” too much.
The Prince of New York is known for his soccer skills. At the University of Nebraska, Prince received a hand drawn soccer diploma from Tom Osborne. It read simply:
Soccer sucks boy… play football, not fútbol. ~ Love Tom Osborne.
Nevertheless, the Prince’s soccer abilities wouldn’t stay dormant. Along with being drafted 19th overall by the New York Football Giants. Prince was drafted number three overall by this soccer story… In it, Mr. Amukamara possesses other worldly skills. His bicycle kick is royalty in the soccer kingdom. His block tackle is superior. Prince has never known a wasted ball and you’ll never catch him wrong-footed. It simply won’t happen.
For the purposes of this article, the man is a master of Futsal: A five-versus-five variation of football played indoors with a smaller ball. Understand Giants Nation, in no way is that necessary or relevant to anything, but Prince can do it and do it well and because… soccer.
4. Eli Manning
Obviously, Eli Manning is a two time Super Bowl winner. And football is better than soccer. So logically, Eli would be a great New York Fútbol Giant.
We’ve all watched the bumbling plays, we witnessed the 9,999 INT’S in 2013. We understand Eli is on the wrong side of 30 and that his age is 13, an unlucky number, plus two decades. We get that people don’t think Eli Manning is as good as his brother.
But the reality is: Eli is a winner. And furthermore, he’s the best damn soccer player that’s ever soccer’d plays. If anyone on this BLUE Earth has ever soccer’d some plays, it’s freakin’ Eli “The Fútbol Soccer’d” Manning.
Look it up on Wikipedia… give me a few minutes. I’ll write it in.
See, I told you. Eli Manning or the answer to all soccer’s problems? You decide…
5. Steve Weatherford
Frankly, in Football or Fútbol, fans.
If you don’t have Steve Weatherford on your team: You Suck ( . ) Period.
This has been your World Cup Fantasy New York Fútbol Giants… back to your regularly scheduled NFL offseason.