Should the New York Giants Pursue… LeBron James?
Jun 11, 2014; Miami, FL, USA; Miami Heat forward LeBron James speaks to the media prior to practice before game four of the 2014 NBA Finals against the San Antonio Spurs at American Airlines Arena. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports
It happened again.
In the past, every time LeBron James has lost in the NBA Finals, the New York Football Giants have won the Super Bowl. Not only is it Science. It’s fact. For every LeBron James ring-less finger, Eli Manning has a Super Bowl ringed-finger. One from 2007 LeBron tears, and one from fresher, more current 2011 LeBron tears. Aged three years for GIANT flavor. Ahhh, taste that win. Now…
Will LeBron’s current “lack of championship” tears produce more New York Football Giants hardware?
Fans sure hope so, but what if it was taken a step further? Your football Giants already possess the Prince of New York, why not add more royalty by signing King James. It’s been wildly and often inaccurately reported that LeBron James fancies himself the new Michael Jordan, right?
Well–what’s more Michael Jordan than stepping away from the game wherein you have legendary status, to play a game that you flirted your athletic prowess all over in high school? For NBA’s current King, that’s the game of pigskin. This isn’t new information, speculation has been rampant for every writer with internet access and computer keys with the ability to spell basketball’s most acidic name. Brilliant column”matic”-essays have been flipping words like pancakes. Descriptively and deceptively describing LeBron James potentially crossing over from the sport that made crossovers a thing– to the best organized sport on planet Earth: The NFL.
My colleague @AdamGaneles reminds me of the NFL-Basketball player meme:
"LeBron James is supposed to be the Antonio Gates type TE. Which is now more towards the Jimmy Graham type, but if LeBron went to the NFL, it would become the King James type TE."
Let’s assume right now that LeBron James is the Antonio Gates type. Let’s also assume that he signed with the New York Football Giants to be Eli Manning’s new weapon of choice (no offense OBJ, but it’s the KING.) Let’s also assume the New York Football Giants go 0-4 in LeBron James first preseason, winning nothing. Why? Because the preseason doesn’t matter. Especially in a LeBron James pretend signing with the NFL situation.
Much like this one.
So the Giants with King James suck it up in the preseason, just awful. In Fact, Xavier “I’m Freaking Xavier” Grimble has more preseason yards than LeBron as he kicks off his high school football rust. Imagine… it happened in my head. LeBron James dropped everything Eli Manning threw. Balls off the fingers, balls off the helmet, it was even speculated that one set of balls simultaneously hit King James on the chin. Reports are spurred at the moment, but we can assure it’s 100% true in this paragraph only. Tim Duncan concurs.
Meaningless preseason aside, the regular NFL season starts with an explosion…. of touchdowns. Eli Manning sets records, hitting Cruz, OBJ and LeBron James all over the end zones of the league. Touchdown… LeBron James. King of the end zone.
LeBron isn’t just good at the sport of football, he’s a world-beater immediately. After all, this isn’t some half-hearted Brock Lesnar attempt at NFL crossover from a make believe sport. This is one of the greatest athletes in NBA history coming to join up with the team that once played “The Greatest Game Ever Played” and as advertised, LeBron dominates.
Let’s review the 2014 LeBron KING Giants season:
REGULAR
LeBron (165 yards 3 TD’s) Giants win
Week 1
SEPTEMBER 8th GIANTS
7:10PM/EDT AT LIONS
King James (35 yards, 1 TD) Giants win
Week 2
SEPTEMBER 14th GIANTS VS
1:00PM/EDT CARDINALS
James (201 yards, 2 TD’s) Giants win
Week 3
SEPTEMBER 21st GIANTS VS
1:00PM/EDT TEXANS
LeBron (132 yards – 1 steamy pile on the Redskins) Giants win
Week 4
SEPTEMBER 25th GIANTS
8:25PM/EDT AT REDSKINS
King GIANT (104 yards, 2 TD’s) Giants win
Week 5
OCTOBER 5th GIANTS VS
1:00PM/EDT FALCONS
LeBron James (25 yards, 0 championships, like the Eagles) Giants win
Week 6
OCTOBER 12th GIANTS
8:30PM/EDT AT EAGLES
LeBron James (333 yards, 3 TD’s, 1 jealous Jerry Jones) Giants win
Week 7
OCTOBER 19th GIANTS
4:25PM/EDT AT COWBOYS
LJ (Triple-Double-Touchdown)
Week 8
BYE –
GIANTS WIN!
SemaJ NorBeL (157 yards, 1 TD) Giants win
Week 9
NOVEMBER 3rd GIANTS VS
8:30PM/EST COLTS
LeBron (201 yards, 5 TD’s) Giants beat down the Super Bowl Champs
Week 10
NOVEMBER 9th GIANTS
4:25PM/EST AT SEAHAWKS
LeBron James (111 yards, 1 TD) Giants win
Week 11
NOVEMBER 16th GIANTS VS
1:00PM/EST 49ERS
James, LeBron (95 yards, 3 TD’s) Giants win
Week 12
NOVEMBER 23rd GIANTS VS
8:30PM/EST COWBOYS
TE – LeBron James (178 yards, 2 TD’s) Giants win
Week 13
NOVEMBER 30th GIANTS
1:00PM/EST AT JAGUARS
James, Lebron – TE (132 yards) Giants win
Week 14
DECEMBER 7th GIANTS
1:00PM/EST AT TITANS
Senor James (56, 1 TD) Giants win
Week 15
DECEMBER 14th GIANTS VS
1:00PM/EST REDSKINS
LeBron “KING” TE (302 yards, 4 TD’s) Giants win
Week 16
DECEMBER 21st GIANTS
4:05PM/EST AT RAMS
Giants TE – LeBron James (out-cramps) Giants win because the Eagles lose.
Week 17
DECEMBER 28th GIANTS VS
1:00PM/EST EAGLES
So the Giants go 16-0. LeBron James has a monster season that ends with leg cramps just in time for the playoffs. Perfection. The road to the Super Bowl went through San Francisco and Seattle, who proved little challenge for LeBron James and the football GIANTS.
Nope, in this delusional scenario, not only do the Giants have enough money to sign LeBron James, but they have the talent to dominate the regular season. It just happened. That’s a “this article” FACT. In the AFC, teams watched from afar as the Giants destroyed the NFC with Eli Manning heaving bombs to the King of New York: LeBron James. But despite AFC fear of GIANTS, in the mountains of Denver, Colorado, Peyton Manning wasn’t scared. He was busy running through the league himself, you know, like a good Manning can do.
It was the 2015 Super Bowl, your New York Football Giants are there… The Denver Broncos made it back after being humiliated by the Seattle Seahawks 43-8 as Peyton Manning had one of the worst performances in a championship in the history of championships. It was failure up there with the likes of Tom Brady in 2007, or even new Giant – LeBron James, and his epic collapse against the San Antonio Spurs which led to the idea that it’s championship season in New York as a result. Why? Because LeBron James failure equates to GIANT WIN.
Unless he’s on the team, competing in an imaginary Super Bowl against Peyton Manning. In which case, I’m pretty sure the Earth would decide to take it’s talents to Super Nova. Because no one place could ever contain that much championship meltdown.
So in the end, the LeBron James GIANTS are much like the Tom Brady Patriots. Perfect season. Super Bowl explosion.