2009 Predictions
The Giants looked great in the first quarter (and first quarter alone) against the Pats on Thursday, but it was the fourth preseason game so who cares? Anyway, with real football drawing closer I thought I’d let everyone know how the season will play out. So here are my predictions for the 2009 NFL season:
NFC East — The Giants should take the division, the only thing standing in their way is Ron Mexico. Vick could be the missing piece that Philly needs to get over the hump (God help us all); he is a dangerous weapon that strikes fear in my heart. However, if a deep threat emerges for the G-Men this year then there will be a fourth Lombardi Trophy en route to East Rutherford come February…Dallas hasn’t won a playoff game since Clinton was in office, expect that trend to continue…The Redskins are not going anywhere with Campbell running the offense.
1. G-Men (11-plus wins)
2. Iggles (nine wins)
3. Cowgirls (seven wins, at best)
4. ‘Skins (five wins)
NFC North — Arguably the tightest division in the NFL, but I believe Favre will inevitably sink the Vikings. Him going there was and is a mistake, and I think Rodgers has a breakout year. The Old Gunslinger is going to wish he never came back. In other words, Go Pack Go. Although, I see the Bears making a strong bid for the division crown.
1. Packers (10 wins)
2. Da Bears (nine wins)
3. Vikes (seven wins)
4. Lions (three, at most)
NFC South — The Falcons will take this division easily. Bush won’t stay healthy and Brees might put up big numbers, but I can’t get past that $hit stain on the side of his head. I refuse to put any faith in a guy that has a skid mark like that on his face. I mean, he makes millions of dollars why can’t he just have it removed? In all honesty though, Matt Ryan is solid and most likely will lead the Dirty Birds to a division title and another playoff appearance, especially with the addition of Tony Gonzalez. The Panthers will not recover from Delhomme’s atrocious performance last postseason and the Bucs will be trash if they play their cards right.
1. Falcons (11 wins)
2. Taints (eight wins)
3. Panthers (six wins)
4. Bucs (four wins if they’re lucky)
NFC West — In the most bush-league division of the NFC, the 49ers take the West. The Cardinals will NOT catch lightning in a bottle two years in a row, the Rams — well the less said about the Rams the better, and the Seahawks could be a threat but I think Singletary handles his business and brings his Niners back to the postseason.
1. San Fran (nine wins)
2. Seattle (eight wins)
3. Arizona (maybe six wins)
4. Rams (three wins)
Wild Card Round:
Pack over Iggs, Bears over San Fran
Divisional Round:
G-Men over Bears, Falcons over Packers
NFC Championship Game:
G-Men edge the Falcons
AFC East — If Tom Brady stays healthy, forget about it. It’s over and done with. The division is won. The Cheatingest Coach Ever will want to make a statement after last year’s 11-win-no-playoff snub. Brady might throw 60 TDs this year. However, if his knee or shoulder is still a little dinged up (which either very well could be) the Dolphins are the next in line to the division throne. But don’t count on that, the Pats are going to be filthy this year. The Bills could be a sleeper, but I see them fade towards the latter half of the season. Also, Dirty Sanchez isn’t leading the Jets anywhere. When your college coach comes out and says you should have stayed in school rather than enter the draft (which Pete Carroll did with Sanchez), it’s probably not a sign you’re going to set the world on fire.
1. Pats (12 wins)
2. Dolphins (eight wins)
3. Bills (six wins)
4. Jets (maybe three wins)
AFC North — Two of the teams in this division are contenders and the other two are pretenders. The Steelers will come out on top just ahead of the Ravens, but expect Joe Flacco to have a good year. Believe in the unibrow, but don’t expect it to finish higher than the rapist (just kidding) in the standings. The other two teams have about as much of a chance at winning the division as a one-legged man in an rear-end kicking contest.
1. Steelers (11 wins)
2. Ravens (nine or 10 wins)
3. Bungles (five wins)
4. Browns (three wins)
AFC South — The Titans will take the South, and not necessarily because they earned it. The Colts are about to see their once-mighty stranglehold on the division vanish, the Texans will not be a serious threat and the Jags might have lost Maurice Jones-Drew for some time. I wouldn’t be shocked if the Drunken Rascist goes down this year and Suicide Alert has to come in at QB. I’d be less surprised if he played well, I think VY has finally come into his own and we’ll get to see some of the Rose Bowl magic we’ve seen in the past.
1. Titans (11 wins)
2. Texans (eight wins)
3. Colts (eight wins)
4. Jags (five-six wins)
AFC West — In the most bush-league division of the AFC, the Chargers take the West. Not even close here. The Broncos are in disarray (plus Kyle Orton is their QB), the Raiders are the Raiders and the Chiefs will not win more than seven games. Even with Norv Turner running the show the Bolts will dance their way to a division crown. Hell, they could probably take the AFC West with Ike Turner in charge!
1. Chargers (nine wins)
2. Chiefs (seven wins)
3. Broncos (five wins)
4. Raiders (three wins)
Wild Card Round:
Steelers over Ravens, Chargers over Colts
Divisional Round:
Pats crush Chargers, Steelers edge Titans
AFC Championship:
Pats over Steelers
Super Bowl XLIV:
In a rematch of the greatest Super Bowl ever, the New York Giants again take down the mighty Patriots in a game that goes down to the wire. Just think what would have happened if Plax didn’t shoot himself last year, Eli and Co. could be looking at a three-peat!!!!
NFL’s MVP: Aaron Rodgers. He’s going to have a year for the ages. The season this kid is going to have will make the fat slobs in Green Bay forget all about Brett Favre and what a jagoff he is.
POY Offense: Adrian Peterson. I know everyone and their sister is picking Purple Jesus to be the next savior, but I really do believe that he will tear it up this year. Plus I’ve got him on my fantasy team, so he better put up some big numbers.
POY Defense: Shawn Merriman. He might also be up for the Comeback POY if he plays like I think he’s going to. Look out for this guy.