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Get a Grip, Jason Pierre-Paul: 10 Famous Fictional Prosthetics JPP Should’ve Gotten

By Neal Lynch

Dec 20, 2015; East Rutherford, NJ, USA; New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul (90) blocks Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton (1) pass during the fourth quarter at MetLife Stadium. Carolina Panthers defeat the New York Giants 38-35. Mandatory Credit: Jim O
Dec 20, 2015; East Rutherford, NJ, USA; New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul (90) blocks Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton (1) pass during the fourth quarter at MetLife Stadium. Carolina Panthers defeat the New York Giants 38-35. Mandatory Credit: Jim O /
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As we relayed earlier, New York Giants defensive end – and free agent – Jason Pierre-Paul had another surgery on his right hand to improve his grip. While we’re glad to see JPP making moves to improve his game and we’re for re-signing him, I think Pierre-Paul missed out on a huge opportunity to get a sweet prosthetic. Here are 11 famous fictional hands (or arms) the formerly clubbed one should’ve gotten instead.

1. Luke Skywalker’s Cybernetic Hand

In 1981’s Empire Strikes Back, Anakin Skywalker’s son Luke got his right paw chopped off when he dueled Darth Vader at Cloud City. After playing the chutes portion of Chutes ‘n’ Ladders, Luke hung on to some kind of antenna attached to the bottom of the hovering building, was scooped up by the Millennium Falcon and was fitted with a prosthetic hand by a robot doctor. Best of all, if JPP was fitted with this, he’d have all the feeling back. You saw the pin pricks… total feeling.

2. Darth Vader’s Robot Hand

In Attack of the Clones, Anakin Skywalker lost his right arm during the Battle of Geonosis when he dueled with Count Dooku then received a replacement arm and hand. I’m gonna go out on a limb, but I can’t with Vader, he doesn’t have any. Snap. This hand’s got some bad juju attached to it, so I’m hesitant to put in on JPP. It’s probably unlucky at best, cursed at worst. But, what are the odds it gets cut off a third time?

3. Jaime Lannister’s Golden Hand From Game of Thrones

The King Slayer Jaime Lannister has his sword hand cut off by Locke, which is replaced by a golden one. Jaime has had to learn how to fight with his remaining left hand, occasionally using the replacement to his advantage. So, this would be a downgrade in the grip department for JPP, but strip sacks would get a whole lot more interesting. Batted balls might explode. Forced fumbles quintuple.

4. Thing from The Addams Family

Thing is a disembodied hand that can fetch the mail, light cigars, change the channel, turn grapes into wine, and turn over records on the phonograph. Thing is also fond of arm-wrestling. A hand that can do all that without a body? Screw JPP, get me Thing!

5. Ash Williams’ Hand from Evil Dead & Army of Darkness

In Evil Dead, Ash has a chainsaw hand and later receives a robot hand in Army of Darkness. The chainsaw hand might not pass inspection by the refs, but the robot hand? It’ll probably have a little personality, too.

6. RoboCop’s Shooting Hand

Crime boss Clarence Boddicker shoots off police officer Alex Murphy’s right hand with a shotgun in a steel mill. Boddicker’s gang members then fill Murphy’s body with shotgun blasts before Boddicker puts a bullet in Murphy’s head. Portions of Murphy’s body are subsequently used to create the prototype RoboCop.

Murphy’s cybernetic implants grant him:

  • Superhuman strength
  • Anti-ballistic carbon frame and titanium plates
  • Enhanced motor and sensory capabilities

Just once, I’d love for JPP to have a quarterback dead to rights and say, “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me”. I’d settle for a RoboCop-like celebration dance after a big sack.

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