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Get a Grip, Jason Pierre-Paul: 10 Famous Fictional Prosthetics JPP Should’ve Gotten

By Neal Lynch

Dec 20, 2015; East Rutherford, NJ, USA; New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul (90) blocks Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton (1) pass during the fourth quarter at MetLife Stadium. Carolina Panthers defeat the New York Giants 38-35. Mandatory Credit: Jim O
Dec 20, 2015; East Rutherford, NJ, USA; New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul (90) blocks Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton (1) pass during the fourth quarter at MetLife Stadium. Carolina Panthers defeat the New York Giants 38-35. Mandatory Credit: Jim O /
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7. Predator’s Wrist Computer

Yes, I know. Not a hand, but still a valuable and functional accessory that isn’t outlawed by the NFL rule books (yet). The Wrist Gauntlet aka Wrist Bracer aka Wrist Computer was a piece of technology worn on the wrist that housed several advanced features including a Sat-Com, Self-Destruct Device, Cloaking Device, Plasma Caster, Gauntlet Plasma Bolts and/or Power Punch Gloves. When looking at JPP, many opponents have asked the question, “What the hell are you?” Now, Pierre-Paul can have the last laugh. Bleeding neon green would be sweet, too. No one wants to touch that.

8. The Serial Killer Hand from Idle Hands

Okay, this one’s a little extreme. We don’t want JPP ending up behind bars, but we do want him ending up in the backfield.

9. Bishop’s Arm from X-Men

Bishop’s got a nuclear powered battle ready arm that eventually includes a time-travel device, the ability to channel his energy blasts through, and enhanced strength and resilience. The time-travel will give JPP a leg up … an arm up on the competition as he’ll be able to get the perfect jump on snap counts and know plays in advance.

10. Bucky Barnes’ Arm from Winter Soldier

The best friend turned enemy turned best friend of Captain America Steve Rogers has a left arm that is a cybernetic prosthetic with superhuman strength and enhanced reaction time. The arm can function when not in contact with Barnes and can discharge bolts of electrical energy from its palm. It can also emit an EMP causing electronics to either shut down or become useless. The arm has a holographic function to disguise it as a flesh and blood arm. Not only could JPP shut down the play-call to the quarterback’s helmet, but he could shock tackles trying to hold him. Only downside is, it’s a left arm. Would need some serious re-tooling.

Prosthetics He Shouldn’t Get:

Buster Bluth’s Hook from Arrested Development

The modern-day Captain Hook would leave jerseys looking like Swiss cheese.

Chubbs’ Wooden Hand from Happy Gilmore

Worst prosthetic ever.

Roy Munson’s Rubber Hand from Kingpin

Slightly better than the previous two, but if JPP wears it, he’ll probably end up getting Munson’d.

Nintendo Power Glove

This is a poor alien’s version of the Predator’s Wrist Computer.

***

In all seriousness, we wish Jason Pierre-Paul a speedy full recovery with a Kung-Fu grip. This article couldn’t have been possible without the help of Gizmodo’s io9 article, “The Most Exciting Severed Hands of All-Time“, and Wikipedia’s entries for “Prosthetics in fiction” and “Fictional amputees“.

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