Sometimes change is good. Sometimes it isn't. For example, trying out a new coffee shop can upgrade your morning routine, but shaving your beard the day before your new license photo guarantees a decade of bouncers asking if your parents know you're out past curfew.
Up in Foxborough, MA, they’re trying to convince everyone that trading a Hall-of-Fame nickname to steal a rapper's stage name from a decade ago is a good move.
Former New York Giants quarterback Tommy DeVito -- known around these parts as Tommy Cutlets -- recently told reporters that he's moving on from one of the most absurdly fitting nicknames in recent memory. He said that Patriots head coach Mike Vrabel officially rebranded him as "Two Chains" because he always wears two gold necklaces.
Please stop -- the creativity is killing me. Not only is it uninspired, but it’s also an absolute dud of a nickname. It’s lazy and already taken by a famous rapper. Move over, 2 Chainz.
As much as it hurts to admit, DeVito seems to love it up there. He told reporters New England is a total shift from last year, mostly because he's actually getting live reps in offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels’ system instead of just sitting around in a classroom. Vrabel is even giving him credit for how much his game has grown.
But while Two Chains (it pains me to say it) tries to act like his new name is a vibe, it still feels like he's just trying to cope with the fact that Tommy Cutlets is off the menu.
The Patriots committed an unforgivable crime against Tommy DeVito’s New Jersey roots
It’s hard to blame the guy for wanting a fresh start after how things ended in New York.
The 2023 magic was Harry Houdini-esque, but he eventually got squeezed out of a QB room that got too crowded. As soon as NY added Russell Wilson, Jameis Winston, and rookie Jaxson Dart, DeVito became the odd man out by default. He packed his bags and signed with the Patriots.
He spent last year working in the shadow of Drake Maye and Joshua Dobbs, settling in as the backup backup. Word on the of-course-they're-going-to-say-that street is he’s actually improved quite a bit under Vrabel and McDaniels, but losing his Big Jersey Energy is an incalculable price to pay.
If the Pats really wanted to replace his roots with local flavor, they could have at least been creative and/or reached out to me for some help. Vrabel had an absolute goldmine of options and totally missed the mark.
Instead of just pointing out what he wears to practice, they missed out on some amazing New England alternatives:
- Tommy Chowder
- Tommy Lobster Roll
- Tommy Steamers
- Tommy Coffee Milk
- Tommy Baked Beans
- Tommy Dunkin'
- Tommy Turn Signal
- Tommy Mayflower
- Tommy Cranberries
I'm here all day.
Have him wear as many chains as you want him to, but you can't fry the cutlets out of a Jersey kid. Because he’s the cult hero East Rutherford deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
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