Cam Skattebo’s 300-pound demolition crew is bad news for everyone

Joe Schoen took the potential Elijah Chatman–Cam Skattebo WWE-style I-formation fun away from Giants fans last year. New head coach John Harbaugh won't make that mistake again this year. There's officially no room for the fun police on the New York Giants.

How does Cam Skattebo take his pancakes? Banana? Chocolate chip? Sawdust? However he does, expect Big Blue's psychotic running back to get a hefty serving. On Tuesday, NFL insider Mike Garafolo reported that former Baltimore Ravens fullback Patrick Ricard is bringing his awesome nickname (Pancake Pat) and 300 pounds of USDA Choice beef to power Harbaugh’s new-look smash-mouth ground game in New York.

And I couldn't be more excited if I tried... and trust me, I tried.

Because I have a flair for the dramatics (couldn't be me), I had to take my excitement to social media to express how absolutely electric it's going to be to have two sledgehammers in the backfield, literally punishing opposing defenders through the earth:

Patrick Ricard and Cam Skattebo could make the Giants run game a nightmare

Ricard is basically the human version of a dump truck with shoulder pads, and that’s exactly why Harbaugh wanted him in New York. The 300-pound fullback made a living in Baltimore flattening linebackers and opening highways for the run game, which is why the Ravens kept rolling out top rushing attacks every year.

Now imagine that same wrecking ball clearing a lane for Skatt -- the human version of the Tasmanian Devil -- who already runs like he’s personally offended by every defender in front of him. And now picture those two working together.

The 24-year-old RB is coming off a gruesome season-ending dislocated ankle injury suffered against the Eagles in Week 8 last year. I'm not saying to give Philly a healthy serving of pancakes when they play them next year, but they're looking hungry. Run them into another galaxy.

Personal Zack Baun-sized vendettas aside, IHOP handles the dirty work up front. The human-sized fire hydrant handles the chaos and everything else afterwards. The G-Men now have the kind of backfield that'll have linebackers and safeties reconsidering their life choices.

New York didn't sign Ricard to a market-resetting two-year, $8.5 million deal to have him collecting maple syrup on the bench. He's the highest-paid FB for a reason, and I just want it to be Week 1 already. If you couldn't tell:

For what it's worth, no pancakes were harmed in the excitement of Pancake Pat's signing.